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Yesterday was Chrisrsquo; birthday. We are facing something very hard right now. But we will make it through it together regardless. I will give more details later, but I saw Norm in a different light this weekend. He made me laugh and moved from my ldquo;I donrsquo;t think he likes me listrdquo; to ldquo;he is actually very funny listrdquo;. I am so thankful for all they did for Chris as my heart was just elsewhere.

�

I wish I liked hugs, because I need one. I would just fall apart though and I cannot do that right now.

�

A better update will follow tomorrow. For all who have parents and have known love throughout lifehellip;.donrsquo;t take either for granted. When you can only know the love of a parent or grandparent through the eyes and heart of another, it hurts. I am thankful though that Chris has that in Vickey, Norm and his Mam-maw in Michigan. He has two brothers as well. I envy that.

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So itapos;s Sunday, Tylerapos;s off on a hike with Jim, and I have a leisurely morning ahead of me, so I decide to take the time to have a nice, non-cold cereal breakfast...hot oatmeal with lots of honey. I warm the milk on the stove, cook the oats, pour it in the bowl, stir in the honey, and sit down on the bed with my book.

Meanwhile, Pan is in a hyper mood, and before I have even taken one bite of my breakfast, he comes flying up from behind the bed and in one Superman-like leap, lands squarely IN my bowl of oatmeal. Half of my hot, sticky oatmeal slops onto the bed and soaks through the top three blankets, some goes on my brand-new book (Penny Arcade 5: The Case of the Mummyapos;s Gold), and Pan streaks across the bed and pillows with oatmeal paws and disappears into the bathroom.

So I spend the rest of the morning doing three loads of laundry (I needed to do at least one anyway), sweeping the floor, mopping the floor, and cleaning the rest of the cabin while Iapos;m at it.

Now Iapos;m lying on my unmade bed, updating my journal while Pan climbs the laundry rack in the bathroom. It is his jungle gym.

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One week to go.

I have an pain in my head whenever I tense my jaw, supposedly from clenching my jaw�too much when Iapos;m stressed. Now it hurts to eat. I get a headache every second day and not enough sleep. At least for the past few days.

Aside from that, nothing new. Random fits of tears or laughter, brought on by nothing at all. Yesterday I wrote 1000 words in about an hour. Today I canapos;t bring myself to get off these kind of websites and get back into it. Iapos;ve started making a list of all the things Iapos;m going to do when I finish. And at the same time, Iapos;m not ready to finish, because Iapos;m not ready to just accept that Iapos;ll probably get a lower grade than I was aiming for. Iapos;m constantly told, "donapos;t worry, youapos;ll pass" and I find that hilarious. Of course Iapos;ll pass. If I were worried about passing, I shouldnapos;t be doing honours. But thereapos;s less chance Iapos;ll get first class honours and that really depresses me, since it seems like thatapos;s the whole point of doing honours. Plus, itapos;s too late now to really change any aspect of my thesis.�I feel like I put in so much work but it just isnapos;t enough. And now it seems like this entire year has been wasted. I submitted a chapter to my supervisor and was told it was "really good". I have no idea what "really good" means. I was afraid to ask if "really good" meant that I was capable of getting an A or not.

The draft of the whole thing is due by Tuesday. Iapos;m not that worried, I only have another two thousand or so words�to write. I actually have far too much information and will have to cut a lot out. My material is good, I make valid points and all the rest. But it reads�like I vomited into a Word document. Itapos;s so unstructured and patchy. And sometimes I think Iapos;m focusing on the wrong points, theyapos;re not as strong as Iapos;d like them to be.

I feel like Iapos;m going insane. Right now I want nothing more than to curl up on my bed and sleep but there are clothes on there. Even though it would take me all of ten seconds to pick up the clothes and put them somewhere else. And I wonapos;t sleep because I havenapos;t fulfilled my 1000 word quota for the night. I have to eat, even though I donapos;t want to. And now Iapos;m clenching my jaw again.

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Introducing a new limited series to help count down the remaining 13 days until Halloween, the bestest holiday EVER. Team Def gives you one Halloween-themed video once a day, every day, until All Hallowrsquo;s Eve.

MISSION: To mix a few old favorites with some stuff yoursquo;re not likely to hear on your local radio station (unless yr lucky enough to live within range of a decent college radio station). Irsquo;ll try not to be too obvious in my selections, or at least use the power of the YooToobs to put a slightly fresh spin on them. Thatrsquo;s why yoursquo;ll not be hearing any Bobby Boris Pickett, Sheb Wooley or Charlie Daniels Band here.

DISCLAIMER: Track selection limited to Internet availability of decent quality video and my own frayed memory. If yr favorite song or artist doesnrsquo;t appear by October 31, make yr own list.

This being an official Team Def list, of course wersquo;re going to start things off with Blue Oyster Cultrsquo;s ldquo;Nosferaturdquo; ndash; with footage from the film, and a strangely compelling introduction from David Carradine.


Rats in the hold,

This is dF


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I donapos;t know whether to be grateful that he did as I asked, or saddened by his addition.

Her ring was there too. Sheapos;s really gone. She couldnapos;t even take it with her this time. She doesnapos;t even have the symbol of what she had with him or of her sisterhood with me.

Iapos;ve left the rose on the stone, but Iapos;ve put both rings in a little box in the house, and asked Brendan to hide them from me. I keep finding myself peeking at them, and every time I look, I cry.

I canapos;t believe Iapos;ve lost her. She was one of the people I always said I was willing to die for, and yet, I always end up not being able to save her. What good is magic if it canapos;t save my little sister?

I want her back. I want her back so bad. She didnapos;t deserve this.

The apartment feel so empty. All her things are still there, like theyapos;re just waiting for her to come back. And she wonapos;t. I waited so long to see her again, for her to come and live with me, and now sheapos;s gone again, like she was only a dream.

It doesnapos;t feel like thereapos;s much point in going on right now. I always said that dreams are what give us hope, and even when I couldnapos;t dream, she was still there, so I still felt like I could go on, because for me, she was herself a dream.

But what point is there to honor without hope?

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Mindyapos;s was always a nice place to come for a quiet cup of coffee- and the best Cheesecake on Broadway. At least that would be Sky Mastersonapos;s honest opinion, for to which no man could rightly argue. So was such he found himself seated at a booth, wondering what was to happen between him arriving and him leaving.

There was much talk of a floating crap game with one Nathan Detroit, a respectable scoundral to be sure.

Finishing his coffee, the high roller stood up, taking a beat up fedora and starting out for the door.

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Almost one week of sembreak. Still not finished cleaning my room because I canapos;t help sitting in front of my laptop almost everyday chatting in meebo (boo ym), browsing Facebook profiles, updating my Multiply site, and watching videos in YouTube, and sleeping. My back still hurts right now because of too much lying in my bed (i think). Haha Nevertheless, Iapos;m really proud that Iapos;ve been unproductive these past few days Oh God,� I miss this feeling Haha

Well, Iapos;ve done a few "productive" stuff. I called and contacted people regarding org stuff, did some catching up w/ a very close friend of mine, partially cleaned my room, did some household chores, and burned CDs for my mom (for a price haha).

Anyhow, I think Iapos;ll be out of the house next week. I hope Iapos;ll see my friends (college, high school, and loved one),have some good time and seize everything before the next semester starts



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You are gone from my heart.

I looked you in the eye today, and I couldnapos;t see that soul. The one I knew. The one I loved.

You are nothing now. A huge void. Empty space. Theyapos;ll ask me, but Iapos;m numb at the sound of your name.

Life goes on.

your decision was wrong. I will live my life knowing that I gave EVERYTHING I could, tried everything I could, and was there praying for change right up until the very moment you broke everything and walked out on my existence. I do not give up on others, just as God can not give up on me.

great pain is part of it, just like great love.

Once I love you, I will love you forever. And I WILL love that boy forever. But he no longer lives in those eyes or in that heart.

you are not the boy who called me beautiful. You are not the boy who composed "Janie Lee". You are not the boy who tucked me in at night. You are not the boy who kissed my lips and held my "pretty" hands. You are not the boy I gave my love to.

He is gone forever, and I finally know and accept that now.

Itapos;s unfortunate that every time I tell our story, this is how it will end. But I guess thats all I can do. You were only here to break my heart. You were only here to show me what I can and can not take. You made a horrible ending and gave me no choice. You made the cold and unnecessary decision, no matter what you think, Not the one that required courage, and that is how I will remember you.

cold.

Goodbye, dear.

If you ever really do find that boy, tell him that I am truly sorry that I missed him. I wish we could have had more time together and words will never be able to describe how sad I was when I learned I would never get the opportunity to find you again. Remember that Kiss. Itapos;s all you have of me now.

This Chapter is finally over, and so are you.

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Well, I got all the calls from doctors about all the tests I�had last week.
If you care to know more about me than ever needed: I�have excellent cholesterol levels, my thyroid is just fine, and I have a minor heart condition that should not affect my life much at all.
I have Mitral Valve Prolapse, which basically means my heart makes a clicking sound on every beat because the mitral valve balloons up after shutting. I have no medication to take or restrictions. I just have to go get another echo done in 1-2 years. They have to make sure that it does not change. No change is good, change usually means that the valves are leaking into each other because they donapos;t close enough. But, as long as I donapos;t get big time overweight, all should be fine.
Yay for nothing major Just a random clicky heart thing that only 2 of adults have.
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